Silly Sissy and I somehow started talking about guys we dated/ex-boyfriends last night. I was struck with the realization of how perspectives change about most past relationships through the years as I thought about the last time I had this conversation with another friend.
Things change. We grow. We get further from the situation.
The last time I gave any real thought to one of the guys I talked about last night was over five years ago. I had found some old letters while cleaning something out and re-read them. Smiling. Until I got to the last one. It was an upsetting one that I forgot about. Blocked it out of my mind completely. It really put a damper on all the smiling I was doing before hand. I put the letters away and set aside the memories.
A week later I hear a song on the radio that reminded me of the same guy and my mind went into a rage thinking about that last letter. It’s probably the anger I should’ve felt when I first received it. I think at the time, I was too numb from the sexual assault to feel any anger. Just a sense of loss. At the time, we were still friends and the letter signaled the loss of that friend wanting to end the friendship. The romantic relationship ended months before on good terms. And I really needed trusted friends. It was just another thing to add to my pit of sadness.
I let out the rage through poetry and a long venting letter to a mutual friend. Poetry never shared and a letter never sent because of the raw response I was freeing. If you know me, you know I think things through after I calm down before doing or saying anything. I don’t want to hurt someone unintentionally or regret something I said or did later.
I felt better after getting everything down on paper. And went on.
Several months ago I gave him a little thought when I had a dream that included him. Very weird dream. Then again, all my dreams are weird. Not so unusual. Wrote to the mutual friend about it and promptly went on again.
Last night, when he came up in the discussion, I realized it was time to make peace with the anger I felt over 5 years ago. Especially after Silly Sissy gave me a potential scenario behind the letter that had not occurred to me. I re-read the last letter to remember what it was that got me to the raging point. Still couldn’t see the potential scenario behind it, but I still had a new perspective on it. Real closure maybe.
I just know that the last perspective I had is gone. I have a new one. A more peaceful one.