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The Forgotten Letter

13 Jul

The Forgotten Letter

A letter long forgotten

tucked away,

treasure bound.

No beauty in the meaning

or intent of the words within

other than the clean script.

How I loved your letters,

the care of your crafting,

the artistry you shared.

They would brighten

the gloomiest of Junes

and dullest silver.

Yet this forgotten letter,

so long out of sight and mind,

uncorked bottled rage.

You were my sun,

my foundation, my friend,

my confidante.

Ours was a relationship

of openness, trust,

and understanding.

That letter.

That last of all letters,

tore it all asunder.

Back then, I pushed it aside

out of hurt and denial.

You demanded a clean break;

no calls,

no visits.

You could not love her, be with her

when you still loved me,

longed for me.

Months later

you stood at my door,

no warning, no apologies.

I pushed the pain

to the deepest crevices of my mind.

I have no memory

of anger or reproof

upon seeing you.

Just joy.

We talked for hours

with your friends

tagging along on our walk.

I knew your purpose

before I dragged it out of you.

Loneliness is

a powerful feeling.

I do not know why

I did not question your logic

of breaking off our friendship

when you clearly wanted me.

I have been angry at you

since unearthing the letter.

Wanting to find you.

To rail at you

as I should have

sixteen years ago.

Wanting to know

what turn my life may have taken

if I allowed you back.

Realizing after all this time

I never understood

your reason to choose her

when it was me.

It was always me.

© 2006, Debi Smith

I wrote this in a fit of madness on a red-eye from L.A. to Louisville.  A song playing on the radio as my best friend and her husband drove me to the airport triggered the memories and in order to deal with the sudden anger I had to write.  I wrote the poem and letter to a friend that is unsent.  I still have it in the notebook right after my scratchings of this poem.

I came across the stack of letters just weeks before the trip to L.A. to help my best friend with wedding preparations. They were tucked away in a box of other high school memories and letters.  So why keep such a bitter memory?  Why not throw them all out?  Because as I re-read them I was smiling and remembering him fondly. Until that last letter.  It was an unconventional relationship born out of friendship first.  The letters were how we shared our days with each other before the days of cell phones, text messages, and the internet.  We remained friends even after we both decided to end the romantic part of our relationship.  It was the loss of the friendship that cut me most because he ended it at a time when I was struggling to make it through each waking moment.

I’ve read that letter again since then. I no longer feel all that anger.  Just sadness of the loss and what could have been.  We were dreamers and perhaps dreamers were never meant to dream together…

Could you throw away such beautiful artwork?

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2 Comments

Posted by on July 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “The Forgotten Letter

  1. Shirley @ gluten free easily

    July 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    So powerful and feelings we can all relate to. Everyone has felt that type of betrayal before and everyone has put aside their own feelings because of the joy of seeing someone, too, even when that person didn’t deserve it. Sometimes it works out to keep such memories because when we revisit them, we are ready to let the anger go. If we’d destroyed them earlier, all the bad feelings might have just stuck in our gut forever. Thanks for sharing!

    Shirley

     
    • hunterslyonesse

      July 14, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      I found it amazing how different I felt when I read the letters again earlier this year. I was looking for something again and there they were again. The anger was gone. It was nice. 😀

       

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